LIKE KATE GARRAWAY, I GOT 'UNSETTLING POST' MONTHS AFTER MY DAD DIED

My beloved dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack in August 2022, leaving my mum, brother and I in a bubble of disbelief.

We managed to cope with the funeral preparation and the stark loneliness that loss brings – but once the initial shock wore off, the brutal reality of life without him kicked in.

This was made harder still by the number of letters from banks and utility companies addressed to my dad that arrived at my mum’s house. Even after we’d informed them of his death.

Unwanted letters are also something that Kate Garraway has said she is currently being impacted by, with ‘unsettling post making demands’ on her late husband, Derek Draper, following his death in January.

This is the last thing grieving families like mine and Kate’s need on top of the barrage of emotions that accompany loss.

For my family, the period following the funeral was the hardest time. We were expected to go on with our daily business – which felt, and still feels, impossible when someone so important was missing.  

In an attempt to gain strength from each other, the three of us spoke every day, and it brought my mum, brother, and I closer together. We worked well as a team to focus on the abundant administration that undeniably accompanies death.

When someone dies, there’s the obvious ‘sadmin’ to manage – including changing bills, such as gas and electricity, into someone else’s name and cancelling their driving licence.

The government-run service, Tell Us Once, allows you to enter details of the deceased, and they contact the DVLA, the passport office etc., which is helpful but slow.

Plus, my dad owned a business, which made the process of ‘sadmin’ lengthy and complicated.

Some of that is no one’s fault; it’s just the extra work that comes with shutting down a business. 

Where my dad’s company was concerned, there were many things we didn’t initially know about, like his monthly website costs and business bank accounts.

Many companies use email to communicate bills and subscription payments, so without access to his email, we were guessing about what to pay, cancel or expect.

However, the cruelty of one bank and numerous utility companies – and their inability to manage the administration related to loss – undoubtedly impacted and potentially extended our recovery time.

For the bank and utility accounts we knew about, the process was to contact them to communicate the death and send a death certificate if required. The service should then use you as the ongoing contact once the death and your identity have been verified.  

But if only it were that straightforward. Even at 10 months since my dad died my mum continued to receive letters every few weeks from one particular UK bank (one of the biggest) my dad banked with. 

These letters were blunt, accusatory and incredibly upsetting for my mum

They kept forgetting to update their systems that he was deceased, so letters were addressed to him and continued to ask for interest payments that he could not pay because he’s no longer here.

Whenever my mum saw his name as the recipient, she got upset and also frustrated that no one was updating the account and closing it down. She worried that money was owed or threats of fines would be incurred.  

Then there were home utility accounts that we updated to my mum’s name or cancelled. 

After my dad died, my mum switched home service providers. The one she cancelled sent three letters telling my mum she owed over £3,000 in late fees.

These letters were blunt, accusatory and incredibly upsetting for her when she didn’t expect to hear from them again. Even after she phoned them and explained, another letter arrived.

As a last resort, I contacted them on X, and we finally received an apology, but the stress had already been inflicted.

Another provider sent at least two letters after the changes in bright red text, threatening to cut all electricity.

These letters created stress, frustration and worry, and also, it was another job to follow up on when we were coping with grief and, for me, trying to work, too. 

The lack of sensitivity and attention to detail felt incompetent and impersonal. I realise that so much administration and processes for large companies are automated, but with death comes an array of emotions. 

Last summer brought an all-time low when the bank addressed a letter to the executor of my mum’s estate saying she was dead. I have no idea why the deceased went from my dad to my mum.

The letter told us they were sorry for our loss and outlined the next steps for the closure of a bank account that had actually belonged to my dad.  

No one wants to see their name in black and white associated with their death. It was such an unacceptable error, and she was understandably distraught.

I was so angry and also dumbfounded that it could get worse than it already was. 

My mum phoned the bank and told them quite directly how upset she was at the error. 

Three days later, she received another identical letter, and her emotions – especially anger – again skyrocketed. 

If the banks and utility companies had been through the nightmare we have, they might have a better understanding of how to manage administration associated with death. 

All grieving families are asking for is a little bit of assistance and understanding. 

So I can completely empathise with Kate Garraway after her series of tweets directed at the council complaining about the unwanted post she has received on Derek’s behalf. I can feel the frustration behind her post: ‘Is there a bereavement service or SOMETHING!’.

I appreciate that the emotions of those grieving are on high alert and may be more sensitive than usual, but I wonder how we can move on when reminders of our loss are so regularly inflicted?

I think organisations need to make more effort when it comes to dealing with grieving customers. In my experience, we have not been treated with any real sensitivity or understanding.  

Even the services that offered special bereavement lines to reduce call times were not able to help or make the relevant changes, so I went back to the main call centres. Some outsourced services to specialist grief advisors to give support through the process, but emails went unanswered, so it was back to the original route. 

It feels basic, but I spent a long time waiting for the day when my mum could collect her post and there was nothing there to upset her.

Metro.co.uk has contacted Haringey Council for comment.

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2024-04-17T11:20:38Z dg43tfdfdgfd